The unthinkable happened in February and I’ve yet to scream. grieve. or heal.
Instead, I do my best to stay busy. Because stillness brings pain that only subsides to anxiety. Or the overwhelming fear of encountering the next trigger that will make me fall apart. Again. That will steal the smile I’ve managed to find – mainly because I know that’s what my Mama wants. For me to live. Be happy. The things she’s always wanted for me. Especially when I lost the desire – the will – to do either.
I’m afraid to grieve. To scream. To allow this pain to escape my being.
Because that’s all that is inside of me now. And once it’s free, I will have to find something to replace it. And whatever that something is…it won’t come from my Mama. She’ll do her best to send me her love from Heaven. But it won’t be in the form of her voice, her touch, her affection, her acceptance. The things that always brought me back from the place I went when I wanted to get away from life. And happiness that never really belonged to me anyway.
I realize that my Mama was my anchor to sanity. My protection from depression. The reminder of the goodness in me that came mainly from being a part of her.
Now my Mama is gone.
The pain consumes me.
The scream can’t leave me.
Because there is absolutely no one on this earth that would – could – ever fill the void it would create.
But I’ll continue to smile. Because that’s what my Mama wants.
For me to live.
And be happy.
I’m trying Mama.