Unavailable

Posted On May 11th, 2021

This…cannot…wait
Yes, yes I know there’s so much you need me to do
Right now
At this moment
So many things that I told you I would do
For you
Right now
At this moment

But there’s a change of plans
I have to go see a very important person
about my sanity
I promise it’s an actual emergency
If I don’t leave
Right now
At this moment
I risk losing the very thing I’ve worked so hard for
My peace

Don’t make this about you
I promise it’s not
I can still love you (as I leave)
I will still support you (when I return)
But this very important person
That I must go see about
Right now
At this moment
Is me

It took a long time for me to realize that my presence is a gift. And I don’t mean that in a conceited or an exaggerated sense. It is just a simple truth. Therefore, before I make a commitment to share my physical being, my emotions or feelings, or my mental energy with someone else, I must determine if (1) the person actually deserves it or (2) if I should pour that time back into myself instead of sharing it – in any capacity – with another. 

The decision to be unavailable might be seen as an act of selfishness to others, when in fact it is a gift of appreciation…to myself. 

We’ve taught ourselves that it’s only ok to withdraw away from people or circumstances that hurt us. We’ve conditioned ourselves to expect and accept the guilt that comes when we intentionally take time away from loved ones or situations that normally bring us joy – or are otherwise deserving of our attention. On those rare occasions that we were even brave enough to take that time.

As I quickly approach my 42nd birthday, the gift I’ve prepared for myself is a new normalization – which includes the permission and expectation to be unavailable…deliberately and routinely. For no other reason than because I can’t think of any person that deserves the gift of my presence more…than me.

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