Already Full

Posted On March 1st, 2021

I have always found myself in relationships that were unequally yoked. Mainly emotionally, sometimes financially, and a time or two even spiritually. And I always stayed in those relationships until the wheels fell off. I managed to start every day as if I had not already figured out that I would not get what I needed from that particular ‘union.’ And I stayed because the thought of being without the other person frightened me more than the reality that I was already without that other person. I stayed because I valued the idea of “togetherness”, more than I did the possibility of “wholeness” centered completely and fully…on me. 

It seemed impossible to me that I could ever experience happiness, fulfillment, and peace…yes peace…simply in the presence of my own self. And as a result, I existed in a perpetual state of self-neglect. I wanted kindness from others that I never demonstrated to myself. I begged for quality time from others that I never spent with myself. And I craved affection from others that I never ever, ever, thought to show to myself.

And how do you think that worked out for me?

I now realize that absolutely nobody took me seriously. Since clearly, I did not take myself seriously. Because the words I used to state my standards and expectations to others…were not reflected in any way, shape, or form in the actions I used to set and enforce those same standards – for myself. 

The change happened when I decided that the start and endpoints of this single path to happiness, fulfillment, and peace were found inside my own mind, my own heart, and in my own commitment to be kind to myself…first and always. 

Every time that I let my mind deviate to self-degradation, I took myself off track. Whenever I let my heart try and convince me that it needed attention from another human to keep beating, I took myself off track. And every single moment that I forgot to recognize the beauty, power, and value in my own self, that’s right, I took myself off track. 

I alone am accountable for my current state of happiness, fulfillment, and peace at any given moment in this lifetime. That is a scary thought. But it is also a powerful revelation. And because I refuse to fail at this critical task of self-accountability, I commit to protecting myself, from myself. Before those negative lies can enter my mind, I fill it up with positive facts. Because let’s face it, I really am a phenomenal woman. And before my heart starts to try and convince me that I’m lonely, I counter that lie with an act of self-courtship. I make time for that trip to the beach because I know the sight and sounds of the water will make my heart smile. And I am now at a point where can’t nobody compliment me better than I can. Don’t tell me, I’m beautiful – I already said it. Don’t remind me that I’m talented, I just gave my own self a ‘You did that Girl.’ And whatever you do, don’t tell me how much my confidence and commitment motivate you, because I already know this ☺.

The point of it all is simply this, we have to train ourselves to operate from a place of existing fullness. And in doing so, we make it extremely hard for anyone to attempt to fill in our empty places with less than what we know we deserve.

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